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Arts, Words of Wisdom

xandyshopp!: Love Broken, Brilliant and Disfunctional

Does it matter why people fall in love? I spoke to a female who had the opportunity to fall in love with two men in her life.  She fell in love with the one she married and the one who would she says helped in the process of healing because that marriage left her broken.  The two men had very similar personalities.  She was loyal to the one she married, but he was not loyal to her.  His mind was somewhere different.

I know it takes two to tango but I stayed a listening ear.  When she left he seemed broken-hearted, but it seems he knew he was incapable of being a husband or a head of household.  He was too selfish or unfinished in his character.  He had businesses and priorities were confused. It made her want to stay because she saw the humanity in him, but she had to admit to herself that it was abusive to her psyche.  She felt she prolonged the experience for too long because of her pride.

The experience was abusive for her in many ways but she could not see it.  She had a very high tolerance for pain.  She was comfortable in her pain.  She was only familiar with pain.  He was all that she knew in life anything else would be uncomfortable, even dull and boring.  He was a drug to her.  He controlled her ups and downs.  Eventually, he became enraged, vindictive and started a downward because she stopped loving like she used to.  It was disfunctional and the brilliant cycle of there upbringing was being repeated.

I asked her how did she fall in love with him being she was very religious and he was seemingly a rebel of everything.  She said saw throw the facade and didn’t feel she “deserve” the good ones.  She felt aleast with him he was “real”.  She was very young and inexperenced when she met him, therefore that logic would make perfect sense to her.  She said she fell in love with him because she needed him.  She was alone.

I was at a loss for word because men do want to feel needed.  It is part of the making in a relationship to feel needed and wanted.   But she was alone and without any support, and lacking life’s experiences she did not see the signs of a dead end relationship.  He was at that time what me and my girls call a bed filler.  He was not emotionally equipped with relationship quality he should be dating feeling things out.  He should be figuring out what he wants and having a goal in mind.  But all he wants is a bed filler.  Someone to be his drug for that moment.   Someone to lift him up and his self-esteem.  It often does not matter if it’s male or female but he most likely won’t admit it.

They both have in common that they came from an abusive broken home.  But they themselves have never been repaired.  They may or may not have had both parents in the house.  But they did feel disconnected to one or both.   They so desperately needed each other.  She abhorred relationships but felt attached to him immediately.  He would jump from relationship never wanting to be alone for one second and everyone was a rebound from his ailing mother who herself was abusive.

There was a time he was religious but the guilt of all he’s done in the past and his unwillingness to learn or forgive himself and others caused him to reject the religion.  She was a constant victim but innocent to life.  He fell in love with her unyielding love and innocence but begin to resent it because he felt unworthy and questioned her motives, loyalty and fidelity.  She fell in love with him because he was physically strong, She felt protected.  He was older but not too much older.  He was tough had more experience.  She thought he could lead.  It took her years to get over him because of the abuse.  He sank deeper into drugs because he lost the love of a untainted, hopeful spirit.

Time has healed some wounds.  After struggling to fight the world on her own, running through seedy characters and exoisting her angels.  She is no longer innocent are hopeful.  She met someone with similar personality traits but more financially secure and is not on any drugs.  She seems to be falling in love again.  I don’t know what to tell her because I don’t know him personally.  And I hate to judge him base on just the similarity.  I suspect this is the second go around on a life lesson and character builder, but also I feel some things are avoidable.  They seem to be drawn to each other for healing and it seems there stubborn habits can make or break their relationship.

I write this because I feel there are cases like this no-one talks about.  They just keep it black or white.  Demonizing or shaming a person because of their behavior and why they stay in the relationship.  If you are demonizing them or shaming them trust me they see your flawed relationship and do not perceive what you’re doing and saying as love.  Some of these people don’t know how to or have the resources to break out of this pattern.  They may want to but can’t.  It’s like a puzzle in their heart that needs resolving.  Many people do not break away from such abusive, “complicated” destructive relationships because they are utterly alone emotionally and without any support.   They may have a background in abuse neglect and tainted love and has never seen or witness the higher love to set the standard on how they love and what they call love.

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